i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
