im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
