I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
