I'm passing your future prison.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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