I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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