she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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