I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
