Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
