Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
