we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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