We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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