why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
