How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
