when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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