You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
