Your mouth is God's brothel.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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