Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
