i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
