She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
