I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
