I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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