Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
