I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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