The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
