Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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