listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
