When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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