i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
