the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
