I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
