Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My balls are so social today.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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