I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
