two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
