Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
