I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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