I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i need some magic done to my vagina
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
