Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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