our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
