I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
