I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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