On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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