i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We're too hungover to prance.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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