Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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