I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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