Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
