Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
