non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
