You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
