It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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