worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
