I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
