I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
