i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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