I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
