I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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