I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
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No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
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Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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